Category Archives: Humour

The Things You Find

I periodically attempt a tidying up and clearing out session. In spite of our modern digital world, “important” paperwork just seems to multiply. I am the worst kind of person to make decisions about what can safely be discarded, and so the piles grow.

While on one of my periodical sifting sessions, I uncovered some funny things I had kept for some reason. Funny, in this case, means amusing.

First was a parody of the small print you sometimes find at the bottom of corporate emails.


This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons of low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.

If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the yorkie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that alert notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer or handheld device you can ensure no harm befalls you or your pets.

If you have received this email in error, please place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes and add some nutmeg and egg whites. Whisk briefly and let it stand for two hours before icing.


When I mention the foregoing paper had a time stamp of April 2000 on it, you will begin to realise the extent of my paper hoarding powers!

Next, some ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity—probably more relevant today, considering the way our world seems to be heading.


  1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and all the hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slowdown.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
  5. Put the caffeine in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has got over the caffeine addiction switch to espresso.
  6. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy”.
  7. Dont use any punctuation
  8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  10. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  11. Sing along at the opera.
  12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
  14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend the party because you’re not in the mood.
  15. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name—rockhard.
  16. When the money comes out of the ATM scream “I won! I won!”.
  17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”.
  18. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”.

I hope you enjoyed those. I don’t recall exactly where they came from, especially after all these years, so feel free to plagiarise them to your heart’s content.

In other news, after a slightly rocky upgrade of this blog software earlier, which has left some of the plugins in a precarious situation, I am starting to look at alternatives to WordPress. The WordPress iOS app is also a pile of doodah, too. I can work locally, but it always seems to fail to connect to the server and save the work. This blog was written on the iThing, but it didn’t appear in the drafts on the main computer when logged in. So, I had to cut and paste across a couple of apps just to get here.

Anyway, while I investigate and ponder changes, it’s probably going to be business as usual here until I can set things up—assuming I manage to without too many tears!

The cutesification of everything makes me want to strangle an elf

Until recently, the increasing cutesification of society has been relatively easy to ignore. Experience has taught me that reading the product description on the back of an Innocent smoothie—essentially an In the Night Garden script about fruit—will cause me to involuntarily clench my fist so hard that I’ll cover myself in apple pulp. Similarly I know that I cant use Aussie shampoo, or see a bag of Percy Pigs, or watch any advert where a woman with the voice of a three-year-old sings a twee ukulele version of a song I used to like, because I’ll end up curled tight into the foetal position, shivering and weeping into my fists for days. I know this.

via The cutesification of everything makes me want to strangle an elf | Stuart Heritage | Comment is free | The Guardian.

What a brilliant rant for a Monday morning.

King Ell

Dear Subjects,

I object to apostrophe misuse in my realm. If you feel the way I do, next time you spot an errant apostrophe please email an image to kingell@barries.net. I will fix it as soon as I can. Sadly, the error won’t be corrected in the real world, but at least you will gain immense satisfaction when the misplaced and missing apostrophes you’ve found are put right on here. You can also click the ‘Shop’ link above, to show your support for the King.

via King Ell.

A worthy cause. I hate to see apostrophes abused.

Shh!

This has been bugging me for a while. I don’t know why I let them annoy me, but they do. What am I talking about? Mispronunciation.

Next time you have a conversation with someone under the age of, say, 40, listen out for the following pronunciations:

  • Shtupid
  • Shtudent
  • Shchool
  • Shtress
  • Shtraight
  • Shtation

It doesn’t appear to affect every instance of English language words beginning with “st”, but it is definitely spreading.

I know. I’m being pedantic. Change is inevitable. I do think some basic elocution lessons should be included in the shchool curriculum, though.

Charlie Brooker: How to fix the missing British summer – and other irritations | Comment is free | The Guardian

On and on it goes. It’s got to the point where pulling back the curtains each morning feels like waking up in jail. No, worse: like waking up inside a monochrome Czechoslovakian cartoon about waking up in jail. The outdoor world is illuminated by a weak, grey, diseased form of light that has fatally exhausted itself crawling through the gloomy stratospheric miasma before perishing feebly on your retinas. Everything is a water feature. We’re on the Planet of the Snails. Cameron’s Britain.

It’s quite rare for one of Mr Brooker’s columns to elicit a full on chuckle from me, but this passage certainly did.

Thought Of The Day | Thoughts Of Angel

Sometimes I wake up grumpy… Other times I let her sleep!

Every Tube Station (and overground line station, for that matter) has a noticeboard in the entrance. The idea is to pass along information about the services, delays, latest closures and incidents and so on.

The staff of Angel Tube Station use it to provide a daily dose of thoughtfulness and humour. There’s a web site cataloguing every daily “thought”. Not surprisingly, there’s a Twitter feed, Facebook page and a form to let you send in suggestions.

It’s little things like this that can make life just that little bit nicer. Don’t you agree?

Physicians, I feel your pain | Victoria Coren | Comment is free | The Observer

The government is not “curbing spending” on doctors’ pensions. That suggests the medical pension scheme was running at a loss; in fact, it was perfectly self-sufficient. This isn’t a cutback, it’s a raid.

Andrew Lansley said: “People know that pension reform is needed because people live longer.”

That’s not why pension reform is needed. We’ve known for years that people are living longer – doctors know that better than anyone – and pension contributions were put in accordingly. Unfortunately, successive governments spent that money on other things. Ignoring statistics for life expectancy, blind to forthcoming trouble, they failed to ring-fence pension funds for their proper purpose. It was a Ponzi scheme.

It was exactly that kind of live-in-the-now, credit-card attitude, from governments everywhere, that triggered the recession. They’d planned to pay back the “borrowed” pensions with new money that slid down the magic beanstalk. Now, staring in bafflement at a handful of dead leaves, they want to cover their arses by going back and nicking some more.

They are busting a gut to persuade us that we’re “all in it together” and that any public sector workers who choke at longer hours or slashed wages are “greedy” and “not team players”.

But they weren’t “greedy” 10 years ago, were they? They worked and they got paid. They only became “greedy” after our masters had sold off the gold reserves, borrowed fantasy amounts with fantasy collateral, allowed the banks to gamble with it, watched them lose and lose until the creditors came calling, bailed them out with more of our money, then sat back as it was paid out in bonuses to people who had too many yachts already.

And somehow, the moral is that doctors and teachers and train drivers are “greedy”, simply for wanting to live as they did before. God knows we were treated like idiots all along – but if we buy this new propaganda, we deserve no better.

Ms Coren gets it.

PORK PIE AND EGG SANDWICH | JAMES WARD: I LIKE BORING THINGS

I suppose this outbreak of Union Jack bunting was inevitable given the perfect storm of both the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and the London Olympics this summer. The combination of the two has caused some companies to go so completely demented that they seem to have forgotten what the products they sell are actually for. Pampers, for example, have launched a range of Union Jack nappies:

Encouraging children to piss and shit on the Union Jack isn’t celebrating Britain, Pampers.

A blog that sums up everything that’s mad and bad about this outbreak of patriotism we’re suffering.