Tag Archives: humour

The Things You Find

I periodically attempt a tidying up and clearing out session. In spite of our modern digital world, “important” paperwork just seems to multiply. I am the worst kind of person to make decisions about what can safely be discarded, and so the piles grow.

While on one of my periodical sifting sessions, I uncovered some funny things I had kept for some reason. Funny, in this case, means amusing.

First was a parody of the small print you sometimes find at the bottom of corporate emails.


This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons of low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.

If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the yorkie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that alert notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer or handheld device you can ensure no harm befalls you or your pets.

If you have received this email in error, please place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes and add some nutmeg and egg whites. Whisk briefly and let it stand for two hours before icing.


When I mention the foregoing paper had a time stamp of April 2000 on it, you will begin to realise the extent of my paper hoarding powers!

Next, some ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity—probably more relevant today, considering the way our world seems to be heading.


  1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and all the hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slowdown.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
  5. Put the caffeine in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has got over the caffeine addiction switch to espresso.
  6. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy”.
  7. Dont use any punctuation
  8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  10. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  11. Sing along at the opera.
  12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
  14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend the party because you’re not in the mood.
  15. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name—rockhard.
  16. When the money comes out of the ATM scream “I won! I won!”.
  17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”.
  18. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”.

I hope you enjoyed those. I don’t recall exactly where they came from, especially after all these years, so feel free to plagiarise them to your heart’s content.

In other news, after a slightly rocky upgrade of this blog software earlier, which has left some of the plugins in a precarious situation, I am starting to look at alternatives to WordPress. The WordPress iOS app is also a pile of doodah, too. I can work locally, but it always seems to fail to connect to the server and save the work. This blog was written on the iThing, but it didn’t appear in the drafts on the main computer when logged in. So, I had to cut and paste across a couple of apps just to get here.

Anyway, while I investigate and ponder changes, it’s probably going to be business as usual here until I can set things up—assuming I manage to without too many tears!

Project Binky

Two blokes, in a workshop, an ancient Austin Mini, a not-quite-so ancient Toyota Celica, lots of machine tools, welding, and top-notch engineering.

image

Bad Obsession is not a rubbish rock band, but a small company that specialises in making small cars go very fast. Project Binky is about as mad as it comes: shoehorn the motor, transmission and four wheel drive from a Celica GT4 into a stock Mini.

It sounds quite dull, but the video is well edited, the presenters show what they’re up to in a humorous but instructive way, and the engineering on show is remarkable.

Aside from the out takes and Q&A shows, there are four videos so far. I’ve subscribed so I can keep up with this fascinating project.

Charlie Brooker: How to fix the missing British summer – and other irritations | Comment is free | The Guardian

On and on it goes. It’s got to the point where pulling back the curtains each morning feels like waking up in jail. No, worse: like waking up inside a monochrome Czechoslovakian cartoon about waking up in jail. The outdoor world is illuminated by a weak, grey, diseased form of light that has fatally exhausted itself crawling through the gloomy stratospheric miasma before perishing feebly on your retinas. Everything is a water feature. We’re on the Planet of the Snails. Cameron’s Britain.

It’s quite rare for one of Mr Brooker’s columns to elicit a full on chuckle from me, but this passage certainly did.

Thought Of The Day | Thoughts Of Angel

Sometimes I wake up grumpy… Other times I let her sleep!

Every Tube Station (and overground line station, for that matter) has a noticeboard in the entrance. The idea is to pass along information about the services, delays, latest closures and incidents and so on.

The staff of Angel Tube Station use it to provide a daily dose of thoughtfulness and humour. There’s a web site cataloguing every daily “thought”. Not surprisingly, there’s a Twitter feed, Facebook page and a form to let you send in suggestions.

It’s little things like this that can make life just that little bit nicer. Don’t you agree?

I miss the Britain of compassion and public ownership. Can we have it back please? | Ian Martin

One of the great things about getting old is that you’re allowed to be a reactionary. Society expects it of you. It’s a civic duty. Without old people like me moaning on and on about the modern world, droning on and on about how great things used to be, how would young people get their bearings?

You need us, the bumbling blimps in your peripheral vision, to validate your own marvellous navigational skills. You’re in the driving seat now, we’re all off to the future, please fasten your seat belts, no smoking. I needn’t worry because you’ve downloaded a fantastic app to whatever that thing is that looks like an after dinner mint and costs 500 quid. Yeah, you just tap in the postcode for Next Year and follow the directions, dickhead. I’ll be in the back seat with my Thermos and sandwiches, wanting the toilet.

I have to say I became a reactionary old fart at around the age of 25! This article gave me a good chuckle, which is nice for a Monday morning. I recommend you go and read it in full on the Grauniad web site.

How did The Coalition, a political satire so preposterous it’s beyond parody, ever get commissioned?

Parliament returns next week. Season Two of The Coalition, the best political satire currently on TV. Most of it is scripted. Yet it has a very “real”, improvised feel. You almost believe these preposterous characters could theoretically exist.

A prime minister as sleek as a human aubergine, tetchily returning from holiday after holiday to rail against a “culture of entitlement”. This is the bloke, remember, who promised an end to Punch and Judy politics.

Does Cameron ever watch playbacks of Prime Minister’s Questions? The whole nation is subconsciously expecting a backbench question from a crocodile, or a string of sausages. Although a string of sausages actually has more spine than government backbenchers.

And Clegg. Clegg. A deputy prime minister so pompous and irrelevant he might as well be a Twitter account. Putting the word “sigh” in asterisks. Blaming his lack of followers on the haterz and the cynicz.

Has a cast of extras ever been so cruelly treated as the Lib Dems? Once-optimistic party members – students, psych-folk fans, chiropractors and so on – now hold the coats while their Bullingdon scuttler overlords kick the welfare state to death, steal all its money and glide away, cackling, on monogrammed Segways to play whiff-whaff. What’s for supper, Gids? “Panda tartare and some very expensive Colombian dessert …”

Ian Martin (Comment is free, The Guardian) gives me a rare early morning laugh.