It has been just over three months since my husband died. Day-to-day life is beginning to settle down into some kind of routine, but I still find I am occasionally flailing about trying to find any meaning to my existence.

I still miss him terribly.

The legal side of dealing with a bereavement has pretty much been dealt with painlessly. The only outstanding thing is changing the Land Registry entry so it has my name on it. It’s the one thing Paul and I never got around to, and it is one of those grown-up things I am not really cut out to deal with. Deal with it, I must. I like to think I am smart enough to cope.

The process of clearing Paul’s old stuff is ongoing. I do it in a piecemeal fashion, when I feel I can face it. Disposing of his amateur radio equipment has been taken in hand by friends in the local radio club. I still need to go through much old model railway stuff. The various reference books we acquired for modelling projects that will never now happen need to be disposed of — preferably to homes that will appreciate them.

There’s just so much stuff. Every time I open a drawer, or poke my head into the loft space, I find new things that need dealing with. It becomes overwhelming at times. I have, therefore, decided I need to develop some kind of timetable, where one day each week is assigned to specific tasks. Knowing me, of course, the process will last a couple of weeks before I get bored with the whole thing.

There has been model making taking place. I have been working on my 1940 obsession, and I may share the results here soon. I have one final model railway commission, which has been started. I just need to knuckle down and get that finished. Quite whether I want to take any further commission work on remains to be seen. It sort of depends on whether I will need an actual income of some kind or another until I can claim my state pension in a few years. For now, I am surviving on what has been saved, and what the Government is pleased to give me as a widow.

I will make a post about Paul. He led an interesting life before he met me. Give me some more time, though. It is still rather raw.